Someone has wronged you in some way. Either you’re learning game and therefore want to appear non reactive, or you have internalised your positive beliefs and therefore aren’t really that bothered. But at the same time, you don’t want to appear like someone who can be walked over. Doormats tend to be the most forgiving people.
We all know that guy who constantly says “it’s ok” when people take advantage of him. We pity that guy, we don’t want to be that guy. We do, however, want to retain control of our emotions.
So what do you do when someone wrongs you?
Firstly, you need to know whether you are genuinely bothered by what they’ve done. This evaluation should not be based on your relationship to the perpetrator or on you mood at the time. It should be based on clearly defined personal boundaries. Some people know their boundaries, others have to figure them out. If you’re in the latter group try writing down a list of the worst things you’d let someone get away with without wanting to exact vengeance. This should give you a good starting point.
People with weak personal boundaries tend to put up with too much bullshit, then snap at someone unfairly for a very minor offense. If you do this, you’re a childish arsehole. Grow some fucking nuts.
Once you’ve established whether or not you’re bothered, the next choice is what action to take. Blowing up at people is a sign of weakness and emotional instability. If you are bothered by what they’ve done, calmly explain why you have a problem with them. Allow them to try and explain themselves then evaluate whether they are worthy of forgiveness. If they aren’t, say “I don’t tolerate this kind of bullshit from people” and walk away. If they are worthy of forgiveness then forgive them the right way.
If you weren’t bothered in the first place, skip straight to the forgiving.
When forgiving someone, the emphasis should be on the fact that you aren’t obliged to forgive them, so they should think themselves lucky. A bad thing to say is “it’s okay” or “that’s fine”, because they both translate to “I am ok with this behaviour in general“. A better alternative is “don’t worry about it” or “no worries”. For a start, the language is stronger and more dominant (no and don’t vs okay and fine). Also, more subtly, they assume that the perp is worried about wronging you, as they should be, but that this time you’ll let it slide. This is the crucial difference, the first two phrases telegraph that you tolerate bad behaviour generally, the latter two telegraph that you don’t, but in all your magnanimity are willing to let it go just this once.
The only question this leaves is whether someone deserves forgiveness. As a rule of thumb, if they’ve been deliberately mean, and/or show no remorse, they probably don’t. On the other hand, accidental harm or deliberate malicious behaviour that is genuinely regretted is normally forgivable.
This method gives a 3rd option in the traditional “be angry or be a pussy” choice. It comes in especially handy if some dude bumps into you in a club.