I don’t do fenced relationships, and am therefore not capable of cheating or being cheated on. I do however believe that cheating within the framework a fenced relationship is wrong. That said, the only wrong part is the dishonesty; the actual act of having sex with someone else is not morally wrong in and of itself – because humans are not each other’s sexual property.
Whatever, if you know me or read this blog much then you’ll be familiar with my slightly abnormal sense of right and wrong – this is not a philosophical post.
This is a post about how people who get cheated on are, by and large, idiots when it comes to reacting to and dealing with infidelity.
First lets examine the typical reactions of men and women.
Men
She’s a cum guzzling slut for cheating on me, she is clearly psychologically deficient. He is evil for stealing my girl from me.
Women
What does she have that I don’t? I can’t believe he chose her over me. She is a filthy slut for stealing him from me.
Bad vibes all round.
Anger and sadness aside, these typical reactions demonstrate a complete lack of understanding of infidelity, its likelihood and its causes (which differ massively based on gender).
Why do people cheat?
Men are naturally polygamous, women are naturally hypergamous (people who claim to be naturally monogamous should consider the difference between “moral”, “natural” and “normal”). This means that when a man cheats he is fundamentally seeking a new experience.
Men cheat when they have a high enough desire for a new partner*. The desire can be increased by sudden increase in the number of sexual options available, and/or by the woman becoming unattractive or withholding sex.
Yes, women who “punish” their boyfriends by withholding sex are practically asking to be cheated on.
The crucial point, though, is that unless the woman is completely not worth being with, the man will stay with her while his affair continues on the side. This is where the idea of a mistress or concubine originates from.
In contrast, women cheat when they find a better partner than their current one*. Their desire to cheat derives from an increase in the quality of their sexual options, and is further boosted by the man DLVing over the long term.
A woman having an affair is ready to leave her partner. While women and men both can love one (or more) person(s) while sleeping with many – a woman who specifically cheats on her partner, ie commits and act of grave dishonesty and violates the implied sexual ownership of a fenced relationship, no longer loves her partner and is ready to move on.
When men are caught they end the affair – when women are caught they end the relationship.
This difference is the root of people’s dumb reactions to cheating.
As with many things of a sexual nature, people love to project their own thoughts and feelings on to other people.
So how do we solve this? Unfortunately there is no system for it, just the cold hard truth.
Men
If you get cheated on, it means you weren’t good enough. A better man came along, or at least a man who offered something you couldn’t. If you catch her, your relationship is over.
Women
If you get cheated on, it means that you alone cannot fulfil the man’s sexual appetite. This isn’t just frequency of sex, different women are different in bed. Your likelihood of getting cheated on depends on your bedroom skills vs the mans desire for variety. If you catch him your relationship can continue, if you forgive him.
Men & Women
Cheating is a consequence of people’s natural sexual urges, and despite all that I’ve just said – circumstances change. A woman may think a man has higher value than her husband until she sleeps with him, then realising that she should have stuck with her first choice. Similarly a man can overestimate his own desire for variety and realise that his wife was more than enough. Either way, people make mistakes.
Over 30 years of marriage, the likelihood of infidelity by at least one partner tends towards 90%, also people who have cheated on one or more partners are more likely to cheat in general.
Some would say that information like this demonstrates that people need to learn to forgive and forget. Personally I think it shows that the way the majority of people conduct their love lives is flawed, but rather than try a different approach the majority just keep flogging a dead horse in the vain hope that “maturity” will iron out the sexual urges ingrained by millions of years of evolution.
People sometimes call me weird for not minding that my partners have sex with other people (although not all of them do – more evidence for hypergamy vs polygamy theory). The irony is that many of these people have probably been cheated on numerous times without even realising it.
* providing there is mutual interest, good logistics and a low – medium chance of getting caught.