This one is a lot easier than forgiveness in terms of what to say, but much harder in terms of when to say it. The magic words: “I’m sorry”.
So how do you avoid the classic trap of over apologising. How do you differentiate between holding your head up like a man and admitting you’re wrong, and merely apologising for your own existence like a sackless shrew. It can be hard at times, luckily there is an easy way to deal with this.
If the tables were turned, would you expect an apology? If so, apologise. If not, don’t.
This sounds deceivingly simple, but once you start doing it you’ll notice two things.
Suddenly, the relative rarity of your apologies will give them value. This means that an apology has a much greater problem solving capacity. It’s similar to complements. Over complementary people suck the value out of their own compliments.
The only problem comes from bitches (over-masculine women and over-feminine men). Female bitches will not like that you don’t defer to them and place them on the pedestal that other men (also bitches) place them on. Male bitches will not like that you are “disrespectful” or “rude”. This is because male bitches value other people’s feelings and perceptions of them over their own integrity – and find it uncomfortable when other men don’t do the same.
Thankfully, bitches aren’t worth your time. Apologising like an alpha filters the bitches out of your life, leaving room for the men and women worth being around (ie those with self respect and those without an entitlement complex, respectively).
Someone has wronged you in some way. Either you’re learning game and therefore want to appear non reactive, or you have internalised your positive beliefs and therefore aren’t really that bothered. But at the same time, you don’t want to appear like someone who can be walked over. Doormats tend to be the most forgiving people.
We all know that guy who constantly says “it’s ok” when people take advantage of him. We pity that guy, we don’t want to be that guy. We do, however, want to retain control of our emotions.
So what do you do when someone wrongs you?
Firstly, you need to know whether you are genuinely bothered by what they’ve done. This evaluation should not be based on your relationship to the perpetrator or on you mood at the time. It should be based on clearly defined personal boundaries. Some people know their boundaries, others have to figure them out. If you’re in the latter group try writing down a list of the worst things you’d let someone get away with without wanting to exact vengeance. This should give you a good starting point.
People with weak personal boundaries tend to put up with too much bullshit, then snap at someone unfairly for a very minor offense. If you do this, you’re a childish arsehole. Grow some fucking nuts.
Once you’ve established whether or not you’re bothered, the next choice is what action to take. Blowing up at people is a sign of weakness and emotional instability. If you are bothered by what they’ve done, calmly explain why you have a problem with them. Allow them to try and explain themselves then evaluate whether they are worthy of forgiveness. If they aren’t, say “I don’t tolerate this kind of bullshit from people” and walk away. If they are worthy of forgiveness then forgive them the right way.
If you weren’t bothered in the first place, skip straight to the forgiving.
When forgiving someone, the emphasis should be on the fact that you aren’t obliged to forgive them, so they should think themselves lucky. A bad thing to say is “it’s okay” or “that’s fine”, because they both translate to “I am ok with this behaviour in general“. A better alternative is “don’t worry about it” or “no worries”. For a start, the language is stronger and more dominant (no and don’t vs okay and fine). Also, more subtly, they assume that the perp is worried about wronging you, as they should be, but that this time you’ll let it slide. This is the crucial difference, the first two phrases telegraph that you tolerate bad behaviour generally, the latter two telegraph that you don’t, but in all your magnanimity are willing to let it go just this once.
The only question this leaves is whether someone deserves forgiveness. As a rule of thumb, if they’ve been deliberately mean, and/or show no remorse, they probably don’t. On the other hand, accidental harm or deliberate malicious behaviour that is genuinely regretted is normally forgivable.
This method gives a 3rd option in the traditional “be angry or be a pussy” choice. It comes in especially handy if some dude bumps into you in a club.
I doubt he’ll read this, but fuck you random Amsterdam kebab shop owner.
Mr Kebab man did not like this. He proceeded to publicly tell me off in front of all his customers. My crime? Not paying for a woman he didn’t know. He was so enraged by the fact that she had to pay that he gave her a free drink to make things right.
I ate my food and had a bit of the free drink while he watched.
Chivalry is a two way street Kebab man. If you don’t realise this it will come back to haunt you in the future.
Last night a fwb summed up the nature of our relationship:
Getting with othet girls is like shitting. I know you do it and that’s fine, I just don’t particularly wanna hear about it.
Happy shame the beta month.
I’ve decided to join in on Mentu and Ashur’s fun by detailing my own journey of relative betatude, and how that compares to now. I don’t identify as an Alpha, so I’m going to talk about how I became what I call a Sigma instead.
This could be a cool tattoo.
Once upon a time, I was 13 years old. This was when I got my first proper girlfriend. We never had sex, although recently we caught up and I have now finally slept with her. She has actually read this blog and is coming to visit again this weekend.
Even at this tender age I was quite the narcissist, but as far as I knew there was a correct way to act around women. This was to supplicate and cuddle your way into their vaginas. My one saving grace was that I was persistent because I was horny as shit (high T levels + being 13 = lethal). Between my 13th birthday and the age of about 14 and a half, I had a string of typically teenage relationships: lots of fooling around but no sex, starting out feeling cool and being nice, ending up jealous and needy. I emphasise that at this age I acted that way because I thought I was supposed to – I was not acting through my own intentions. However, nearly 6 years later I found out that I had unknowingly “played girls off” against their friends. Pimp in the making? Probably not. Deez bitches be over analysing my shit.
Over time, the learned nice guy behaviours became internalised. I actually became nicer. At the age of 14 and a half, things really changed. I met a girl on a school trip to Italy (romantic init). I liked this girl a lot and fell pretty quickly. I was still a nice guy, but I had one saving grace – I still had strong personal boundaries. I think this came from my argumentative personality and getting my fair share of shit in school.
I was 14 (and a half) when we started going out. We were together for 3 years and 8 months.
I became a massive beta over this time. She was a headstrong “independent” girl who, although she was nice, spent a lot of time telling me how I should act and feel. The worst part was that I listened. I lost my virginity to that girl, so I felt like I was invested and should listen to her. She was also a year older than me so I thought she knew her shit.
Then she called a break, because I got too needy. I thought “fuck this I’m gonna chase other girls”. She didn’t like that, and we ended up back together after a week. Relationship continues as normal, but she’s now more jealous and I feel a bit more independent.
I was in 2 bands over this time. The second band was better so girls liked us more – this lead to more jealousy.
Fast forward to me being 17. She left for university and we decided to try and “make it work”. I don’t know if she cheated, but I can’t really blame her if she did. I got needy quickly. We broke up a second time, for a month. In this time I started smoking weed and became friends with Wolf, who is a textbook example of a natural Alpha. He had just dumped his ltgf because he got sick of her shit. What followed was this – he went on a fucking spree, I didn’t get laid at all.
So I got back with her AGAIN.
But she was now worried I’d “try to be” wolf. Trying to be someone is silly, but seeing a friend get laid easily is still pretty inspiring.
Then I started reading Roissy and Roosh. Shit went down.
Over a few months I came to dominate the relationship. Suddenly she was reacting to me and telling me she loved me all the time. Suddenly she was ringing me from uni to tell me she missed me, when it used to be the other way round. I was cool with her. When I turned 18 (UK drinking age for you americans), Wolf wished me happy birthday on facebook, adding “ladies, lock up your daughters, Dulst is out”. I thought it was hilarious, my girl got pretty upset.
The relationship continued and we went on holiday together, I really enjoyed this. It was a nice chill time we had in Turkey and I look back and smile – though I have no doubt that I enjoyed it because for the first time in my life I had hand in the relationship. After the holiday I went clubbing a lot and realised I wanted to get with other girls. Things went downhill from here. She realised and tried everything to keep me. Including shouting “fuck you, I could get with anyone here if I wanted!” in a club. I walked out on that and she chased.
Things slid downhill further, and I dumped her ass.
Then I went to Amsterdam. This is like August 2011, not the more recent trip. I may or may not have fucked a hooker, and I definitely had a one night stand with a slightly embarrassing girl. My friends laughed at me and mocked me, but I didn’t care – it confirmed that I didn’t need my ex to get laid. Between that ONS in mid August and going to uni at the end of September, I slept with two more girls, including a virgin. I also began fooling around with a girl I had known a long time. She was a virgin also, but not as up for sleeping with me.
I slept with two girls in my first week of uni, ending up with both as FWBs. One got a proper boyfriend after 3 weeks, I’m still sleeping with the other. Between then and now I slept with those two, the virgin I’d known a long time, a girl from my class, another ONS and the ex from when I was 13. Those aren’t Casanova numbers, but it suits me. My course load isn’t conducive to going out all the time (and I’m more responsible than this guy was).
Between Amsterdam #1 and going to uni, I learned the skills. Between starting uni and now I built the core. I’ve written a lot about sleeping with girls, but in terms of self improvement sex doesn’t mean much. I’m proud of it, but I’m more proud of the fact that at a relatively young age I changed in 4 fundamental ways.
I predict that most of the journey to Alpha posts about to come out this month will, when distilled, be based on those four things. Now I’ve reached this point, sex is easy – and no longer important. It’s like food and water – you only think about it in times of lack. Whereas in September pussy used to be my sole focus, now my drive goes into uni, my band and my blog. My casual sexual relationships are a fun distraction – just like my other hobby, cooking.
Moral of the story? There isn’t one, but a bit of reflection is fun. The only problem is that the more I write the more I wonder if I’m slightly sociopathic.
I’m about to leave for a party, ended a facebook conversation on this note:
People have needs.
This image is an oft-cited example of those needs, and their hierarchy. (Google Maslow’s hierarchy of needs for more info)
Essentially, it’s like a video game. In order to advance to the next level, you need to complete all the tasks in the level before. For example, someone who is dying of thirst won’t give a shit about being sexually intimate.
The problem with beta provider game is that you aim to account for needs that most modern women can account for by themselves.
You’re average girl at uni or with a job has probably got breathing, eating, drinking, sleeping, homeostasis and using the toilet down. And if she wants she can get sex (as in getting her hole filled, not good sex) pretty much at any time.
Safety is where the beta comes in. Ignoring security of morality, health and family, as they tend to be more personal, a beta will try to provide resources and property. Even though the modern woman can sort that shit out easily. Probably more easily than a young man.
The beta’s woes don’t end there though. The far greater problem with this approach is that he’s trying to satisfy a physiological need (sex) by providing safety. How can someone stuck on level 1 help someone else complete level 2?
Compare this to an alpha. The alpha has at least the first 4 levels covered. This means that anything he does give a woman is a treat. His higher level allows him to help people on levels up to his. A guy who can get laid easily (level 1) is in a far better position to provide a woman with friendship and sexual intimacy (level 3) than a guy who can’t get laid at all.
What’s the lesson of this drawn out video game analogy? Simple:
There is nothing wrong with providing for a woman, as long as you’ve got your shit handled first.
P.S. When trying to build a good lifestyle, working upwards through that chart is a useful way to check you have all your bases covered.
Standard issue conventional dating wisdom that is pretty much useless to the common man. The thing is, despite the fact that it’s useless, it’s still right. It’s also gravely misunderstood.
The misunderstood part is “be yourself”. Thanks to (among other things) egalitarianism, the self esteem movement and the tendency of our culture to preserve people’s comfort and feelings over their actual achievements, “be yourself” translates to “be like everyone else”. Be boring, be consumerist, be one dimensional.
The other night I had a chat with a computer science student who was taking a girl out on a date. I reeled off the standard stuff about not paying for drinks in order to please her and being worth sleeping with. The girls of the group did not agree with my advice (surprise) and neither did my friend. So I rephrased thusly:
“Advice on specific techniques isn’t useful unless you put a lot of time in, the best short term advice is that getting laid is about who you are, not what you do.
“But who you are isn’t about the layers of social conditioning that have built up over the years. I mean ‘who you are’ when you strip back those layers to reach your core essence.”
This kicked off a bit. On team Dulst you have what I just said, on team SWPL you have the notion that who you are is defined by social conditioning. Also that current humans are more highly evolved than hunter gatherer homo sapiens (if that were true where does that leave modern hunter gatherer societies?).
Standard SWPLesque implied shaming language ensued.
“So you’re saying that if you want to fuck your sister or an animal, that should be ok because it’s only social conditioning stopping you?”
No, fucking your close relatives is evolutionary suicide, that’s why you don’t do it.
Then gays were used as an example. I casually mentioned that homosexuality, while perfectly acceptable (I live in Brighton for god’s sake), is unnatural.
Several offended sensibilities later and the subject changed.
There is a game related lesson from this though – team SWPL confused who you are with what you do.
Social conditioning is a good thing a lot of the time. It stops us DOING stupid shit. But it should never change who you are.
You are not your fucking khakis – Tyler Durden
You are not the years of social conditioning. You are not hollywood love advice. You are not fem-centric. You are a fucking man. A caveman. In a suit.
And as you strip away all the bullshit, and stop accepting conventional thought without a good reason, being yourself comes to mean being fucking awesome.
When you reach that point, everything you do becomes effortless.
Be yourself and have fun. Just make sure that you have a clear idea of what “yourself” is, and that “yourself” also happens to be one cool mother fucker.
If you could distill all the game advice out there into a few key concepts, you’d arrive at a pretty basic group of instructions:
This gives us the four pillars of game:
Yeah, so what? You may be thinking. However, this way of thinking reveals why unconfident, unhappy, boring emos can get laid.
Because they’re cool.
And why some nerds can.
Because they’re happy.
See where I’m going with this?
As long as the sum of your 4 pillars is great enough, you will succeed. This means you should play to your strengths. Mine are happiness and confidence, so I calibrate my game to exaggerate those qualities whilst downplaying my weaknesses in the other two areas.
By adopting this frame, and realising that you don’t need to be perfect, your results will skyrocket.